Josey Vogels is a syndicated columnist and author, as well as a popular radio and TV host. Her fresh and frank take on matters of the heart has made her Canada's most popular sexpert.
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Design a New Relationship Pattern
2010/08/25
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Do you find that in every relationship you eventually get an eerie feeling, like you’ve been there before? This, despite the fact that when you started out, you really, really felt like this one was different -- perhaps even thought that this was the one. In fact, the intensity was overwhelming, right?
Yeah, well, that’s probably first sign it isn’t the one.
That bowled-over feeling is often a warning sign that things are probably going to sour because the attraction is not based on reality but on something this person represents. You’re projecting something or someone from your past onto them and that’s how we fall into patterns.
So how do we stop repeating our relationship with our mother, father, first love, childhood pet, or whatever example we’re following later in life? First thing is to be aware of your patterns. And not everyone needs to run into therapy. Sometimes just keeping a journal will reveal patterns to you over time. Then comes the hard part: breaking them.
Start from the moment you lay eyes on your next bad relationship. That’s when people don’t listen to each other. They think they’re listening, but they’re not really. Because you’re too busy thinking “hmm... he’s a bit short, and he’s kinda got a funny nose, but maybe - let me think, could I imagine getting naked with him?” And once you’re done going down your mental list about him or her, you’re thinking, "Is that zit on my face really showing, or do I have B.O.?"
So while there may be a wild physical attraction, you’re both too busy talking having a dialogue in your head about your fantastic future together or focusing on the other person’s earlobes to have any real clue whether or not the to of you actually get along.
Then this inability to listen often extends into the early stages of the relationship. Like when he says he has a hard time getting close, what you hear is: Once he falls madly in love with you he will overcome his fear of getting close and everything will be fine. But you’d save yourself a lot of heartache later on if you just believed him and moved on.
Such a simple concept, really. But it’s just so much more tempting to hear what you want - to expect them to live up to what you decided you heard and then blame everything on them when they don’t.
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