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Hot Stuff by Josey Vogels
You’re having sex with your guy. Things are moving along at a nice clip. Then, voom, something takes the wind out of his sails and he loses his erection. “It can happen,” you think. “No biggie.” And it’s true. It’s perfectly normal for a guy’s Johnson to occasionally be less than enthusiastic. It’s not a machine with an on/off switch, though it may seem like it sometimes. Stress, fatigue and too much booze in one night can all put a wilt in his willy. Sadly, a guy’s manhood is so tied in to the strength of his erection that if he loses it once, the sheer nervousness about losing it again can make him limp. It becomes a touchy subject. Which is why responding with “Honey, why don’t you get your butt to a doctor for some Viagra so you can have decent erection for once?” isn’t a good idea. Instead, turn up the compassion and coo, “That’s okay, honey, it happens to all guys at some point” (it doesn’t matter if it’s true) in your best attempt to stop his ego from also deflating. Then run to your girlfriends and find out if this has ever happened to them and ask what they did about it. It’s not disrespectful -- that’s what girlfriends are for.
Clearly, if the problem is ongoing, you need to talk openly with your partner about it. Reassure him that you’re not bothered by it (even if you are, you won’t help matters by saying so), and let him know that you’ll work on the problem together. The trick is not to worsen things by putting any more pressure on the poor guy. If he’s still having erections outside of intercourse -- for example, during masturbation -- or he wakes up with one, the problem is clearly psychological, not mechanical. It’ll take time to work out, so this is where you must be patient, supportive and understanding.
You could try a little jump-start from our little blue friend. I’m not a big fan of medicating sexual problems, but I know a guy who was having trouble achieving an erection during sex even though he still managed to get hard at other times. He took Viagra just a few times -- it was enough to restore his confidence and get him back on his game.
If that doesn’t help and things don’t change within six months, it might be time to seek some professional help.
FYI The term “impotent” is no longer considered polite. The accepted term these days is “erectile dysfunction.”
Crush Control
2010/06/30
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There’s nothing like a good, healthy crush to get the juices flowing after a long, hard winter.
Crushes are great because you without having to do anything about it, except grin like an idiot and make a fool of yourself as you try to come up with something clever to say when you run into your crush. You get all the adrenaline boosting, fluttery-heart effects of a new relationship without having to worry about silly things like whether or not you’d actually get along. You can spend your time daydreaming about your crush, wondering whether there was hidden meaning in the cute waiter’s question: “Would you like more coffee?” and imagining how he looks naked.
Now a crush is not to be confused with an infatuation. A crush is usually more fleeting; it may strike you when the cutie handing you your latte holds your gaze one second longer than usual and it makes you giddy.
An infatuation, on the other hand, usually triggers complete paralysis when faced with said cutie and finds you soon drinking 17 cups of coffee a day just so you can go to the coffee shop and enjoy another moment in his presence.
While somewhat less psychotic in nature, a crush, like an infatuation, is often more about the pursuit than the goal. Some of the best crushes involve people who are entirely unavailable and oblivious to your crush. It’s wonderfully self-indulgent.
That’s not to say that a returned crush isn’t welcome. In fact, there’s nothing like having someone return your stupid grin and come up with an equally awkward response to your not-so-clever comment to make your day. Then you get to enter into full-on flirtation. And that’s just too fun.
Every once in awhile, a good mutual crush can even be the launch pad to a full-blown relationship.
This brings me to the subject of what to do about crushes when you’re in a relationship. Of course, you could just stop having them, but who wants to deny themselves this lovely little pleasure. Sure, when you’re in the first flush of a new relationship, your paramour usually provides all the necessary distraction. But after awhile, we all crave the occasional crush -- some proof we’ve still got it.
Just be careful. Sometimes we give crushes way more attention than they deserve, especially if we’re trying to avoid scary stuff in our relationship. It’s easy to invest tons of emotional energy into a crush because it’s non-committal. The fact that the cute guy at the gym is completely charmed by you and doesn’t know what a mess you really are can be a refreshing break from a partner who knows all your warts.
Even when you’re in a perfectly happy relationship, a sudden crush can catch you off guard, like a dear friend who recently found herself with a mad crush on a guy she met through her work. She was even having wild sex dreams about him. That really messed her up. She started thinking all kinds of crazy things: Maybe she was with the wrong person; maybe she was meant to be with this guy or someone else; maybe there were problems in her marriage she wasn’t seeing. Then, one day, it passed. Her crush just wasn’t there anymore.
It then occurred to her that she was anxious about problems at work and was on week three of no-sugar diet. Blame it on low blood sugar but she needed a distraction and a crush was the perfect thing. Why focus on your life when you can focus on a boy? Much more fun.
Luckily, she didn’t say anything to her beau. As far as I’m concerned, unless you plan to act on your crush, best not to tell. More often than not, they pass. Why cause unnecessary distress?
Mind you, sometimes that’s just what you want a crush to do. But while it might be tempting to confess a crush to get a rise out of a partner whom you feel is taking you for granted, this too is unfair. The most important thing when it comes to crushes is that nobody gets crushed.
Advice for Sexual Improvement and Bad Clichés to Ignore
2010/05/30
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Quit smoking. Drink less. Lose weight. No wonder nobody makes good on their New Year’s resolutions. All the popular ones sound like such a drag. These resolutions are still good for you but a whole lot more fun.
Masturbate more.
It eases tension and gets you in touch with your body. It relieves menstrual cramps and releases mood-enhancing hormones. Whether it’s a quickie or an entire afternoon affair, complete with candles, satin sheets and you whispering sweet nothings in your ear, we can all use more self-love in our lives.
Try something new.
Buy a vibrator, have sex in public, drip hot wax on your partner while dressed like Attila the Hun. I don’t care what it is, as long as it’s outside your usual sexual limits. Hell, have sex outside the bedroom if that’s really freaky for you. Pushing the limits not only busts the routine but it dispels the fear that getting a little kinky once in a while won’t make your penis fall off or suddenly give you the urge to fuck horses.
Practice your oral sex technique.
Unlike the “more masturbation” resolution, this one requires a willing partner, but if you can pull that off, make this the year you become the oral sex king or queen. Yeah, yeah, you’re already sporting the crown, but trust me, there’s always room for improvement. Take a course, read a book, practice on a papaya or a banana. Your partners will thank you.
Take care of your sexual health.
Okay, maybe it’s not up there with oral sex on the fun scale, but it’s a lot easier than sweating it out on the Stair Master. Get HIV and STI tested. Get a pap test. Nothing says you care like a clean bill of sexual health.
Bad advice clichés:
Living better is often based on clichéd advice and personally, I think it’s time to put a stop to it, because frankly, there’s some advice, especially when it comes to relationships, that needs to be taken with a grain, heck, make that a whole block, of salt. Such as:
There Are Plenty More Fish in the Sea
Remember when your pet goldfish died and your parents promised to buy you another one just the same? Goldie II wasn't the same, was he? Like goldfish, when a relationship goes belly up, you can't just go out and buy a new one. And while there may be plenty of fish in the sea, catching one isn't always easy. Which doesn't mean you should stop casting your net. But know that while there are plenty of fish, you'll probably want to throw most of them back before you find one worth keeping.
Time Heals a Broken Heart
You probably wouldn't be too happy if you showed up in your doctor's office with a busted leg or a brain tumour and she told you to go home and simply wait for it to heal. Sometimes you need to do a little open-heart surgery. Take a trip, get some therapy, throw darts at a picture of your ex - whatever it takes to stitch up the wound before you can let time do its stuff.
Just Move On
Relationships aren't like the bacon bits section of the salad bar. You don't just move on. It's a process. That doesn't mean you sit and stew in your apartment (at least not for too long). But instead of simply bucking up and moving on to the next warm body so you can make all the same mistakes all over again, use this time to mourn and properly say goodbye to that crappy relationship. Reflect upon what you do and don't want to do next time. That way you minimize dragging all that disappointment, anger and resentment (because, of course, the relationship death was his fault, right?) into your next relationship.
Love Conquers All
Yeah, and I've figured out a way to lose weight by eating only chocolate! I know that it is extremely romantic and life affirming to think that your love alone will get you through anything. But when it's 4 a.m., the kid's crying, you haven't slept in three days, the house is a mess, and your annoying, unemployed brother-in-law is mooching, I mean, living with you temporarily, love may feel a little overwhelmed by the task of conquering all. I know that "communication conquers all" isn't quite as romantic sounding, but it's a good place to start. Combine communication with regular tolerance, kindness, understanding and some good old-fashioned grinning-and-bearing-it, and you at least stand a chance at putting a dent in (if not completely conquering) most of what comes at you.
Sexercise Me
2010/04/23
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Okay so that New Year’s Resolution to start exercising and get in shape never amounted to anything. Maybe you just need some added incentive. How about this? Regular cardiovascular exercise will improve your sex life.
Exercise not only relieves stress, relaxes you, increases your energy and stamina, and improves self-esteem and self-confidence (all very sex-positive), working yourself into a big, smelly sweat actually also makes you horny. Cardiovascular exercise elevates endorphins in your bloodstream and increases adrenaline and testosterone (in women too) -- all the things your brain needs to make you want to say, "Do me!"
There are other sex-specific benefits from exercise. For women, regular exercise keeps your genitals nice and fit. Like other muscles in your body, the ones around your vagina get flabby with age leading to incontinence or a prolapsed uterus, when your womb gets lazy and slumps down toward your vaginal canal. As fun as this all sounds, regular exercise can help to avoid all of this. And you know you feel better about your body when you’re in better shape.
Also, just because guys don’t sit around and whine to each other about their saggy bits (“Oh God, Doug, I just hate my gut.” “Oh c’mon Steve, you look great!”) doesn’t mean body image isn’t an issue for them. Be nice.
I know it’s tempting to nag if you think there’s something your partner should do about their physical appearance. But a critical glance as the tubby love of your life reaches for a second helping of Double Fudge Brownie Delight will likely only lead to you wearing it in your lap.
The best way to make your partner feel like you love his or her body is to send out a steady message of acceptance. We tend to slow down the compliments as we get more comfy, when they’re really most important. No need to lie. Just focus on things you genuinely like and mention them often.
Exercising together is a big turn-on. Getting hot and sweaty with your partner can be great foreplay. And keeping your balance while doing it in the shower together afterward will help keep you fit.
Sex itself is a good workout. Most cardiovascular fitness routines recommend that to get and keep fit you need to raise your pulse and keep it an increased rate for 20 minutes, two or three times a week. So if you can’t afford a gym membership...
An enthusiastic session of sex (the kind that leaves your legs rubbery and your head light), multiplies your heart rate as much as three times and you can burn up to 300 calories. And a good, toe-curling orgasm helps tone every muscle in your body.
Is Honesty Always the Best Policy?
2010/02/26
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Sure we all do it, especially starting out. No need to go into all your bad habits on the first date. You want to hold back on at least some of your less-than-valuable attributes to keep things interesting and challenging down the road.
Still, most of us list honesty among the traits we look for in a partner. Many couples go the “no secrets” route, thinking that nothing short of total honesty in a relationship is the only way to go. And they don’t stop until they drive themselves crazy with discovery and dig up every little detail they can. Me, I’m not so sure that honesty is always the best policy. I think some secrets are worth keeping.
Sure, I’d like to know if he’s killed anyone or if his wife knows we’re out on a date, but I don’t think a partner needs to hear about every person you’ve slept with, or every crush you’ve had or have, or about the occasional fantasy you’ve had about sleeping with his or her brother, unless you decide to act on it.
So when is honesty the best policy in a relationship?
If things are serious and you’re headed into happily ever after together, I think you deserve to know:
1. If he cheats on you.
2. His financial details (income, bankruptcies, mob-related debts).
3. His future goals and how he feels about kids, religion and Friends reruns.
In the “okay secrets to keep” file, I’d put:
1. Private fantasies (again, as long as they aren’t acted upon…unless he wants to include you)
2. What he does when he’s in the bathroom.
3. What he really thinks of your widening arse.
4. Casual flirtations and an innocent lunch with a female friend.
I know it’s not always easy to let each other have a life outside the two of you, but it’s crucial to survival of the relationship.
Hot Valentine Fun on a Budget
2010/01/28
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I know you want your sweetie to get you that fancy gold-plated $300 vibrator. But given the economy, that’s probably not going to happen. Not to worry. There are lots of sex toys out there for folks on a budget.
You just have to get creative. And know where to look. Like the dollar store, or check out the Love Shack at healthharmony.ca click here
How about a neon-green feather duster? Fun for tickling and teasing. Toss on an apron and some high heels and nothing else and you can play maid.
If you're into role-playing, most dollar stores carry an array of sheriff toys to suit every budget. The deluxe $5.99 kit I splurged on comes complete with badge, handcuffs and a billy bat with a ridged handle so it doubles as a prop and a dildo (you best slip a condom on it first given all the bad news about harmful plastics these days) Arrest your sweetie, handcuff him to the bed and read him his rights.
Water pistols are also fun sex toys. Great for water sports, (no, not that kind, but heck, you can fill it up with whatever you want) or to stage a private wet t-shirt contest. Water pistols come in a variety of shapes, sizes and prices. I found a lion-shaped gun that spits water out its mouth. It might be just the thing to bring out the animal in you.
If you want to experiment with a little S&M or bondage but you're not sure you're ready to make the often hefty investment for the gear, try a dollar-store skipping rope. Use it to tie your partner up or turn it into a lasso and play Wild West.
Want to give your partner a good spanking? Why pay big bucks for those fancy leather paddles you can buy in those intimidating specialty rooms of sex shops when you can buy one of those paddle-and-ball games at the dollar store. Simply detach the rubber ball and start paddling. If you discover spanking isn’t your thing, you can always re-attach the ball and still get hours of fun out of your purchase.
I found a nice black nylon blindfold at the drugstore for a couple dollars. It's made to wear while you're sleeping but you can put it on your partner while they're tied up with the skipping rope and you're spanking them with your new wooden paddle.
Looking for romance? For a couple bucks back at the dollar store, you can pick up some baby oil, a few scented candles, and maybe a bubble-blowing kit, or pick up a Sweetscentsations soy massage candle on sale here. Throw in a couple Mr. Big bars (two for a buck!) just to make him feel good. Splurge on a $10 bottle of wine and you've got a whole night of sex fun for under $20.
So you see, you don't have to spend a fortune to get your sweetie (or yourself) some nifty sex toys this Valentine’s. You just need a little imagination.
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