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Hot Stuff by Josey Vogels
Rejection Reflections
2008/12/09
You’d think G stood for Gold for all the fuss surrounding The G Spot.
Lopsided libidos is probably one of the most common complaints in long-term relationships. Once you’re past the initial stages where seeing your partner butter his toast is enough to turn you on, things get familiar and desire starts to feel like work. Pretty soon, you develop a very complex communication system around it. He touches you, you shrug him off, he rolls over. End of conversation. At least that’s the stereotype. He wants sex more than she does and she never takes the initiative. Then he stops taking the initiative, because she’s never into it, then you both lie there staring at the ceiling wondering what happened to all that good sex you used to have. Then you have affairs.
So what’s the deal? Is it simply true that men just want it more? Any time, anywhere, right? I suppose if I was told that all my life, I’d start to believe it too. Unfortunately, as a woman, I was raised to believe exactly the opposite message about myself. I’m not supposed to really want it, I’m a good girl. Sex is for making babies.
As a result, I think, for a lot of women, turning down sex often feels more natural than initiating it, whereas for a guy to turn down sex makes him feel like a freak. What would his buddies think? "She was all over me, but I didn’t feel like it." Better to have mediocre sex than none at all, whereas, for her, maybe she’d rather hold off and have great sex, even if that means having it less often.
As a result, when he’s giving you the old nudge and wink and you’re not in the mood, it’s hard not to shrug him off. And that can hurt. Eventually, he stops trying which might feel like a relief until you realize you haven’t done it in weeks or even months.
What can you do? Start by turning the tables. Imagine if you initiated and he wasn’t into it. It’d be hard not to feel like the Bride of Frankenstein, right? Realizing this will make you think twice about turning him down. It’ll at least make you more conscious about how you turn him down.
Rejection knocks the old ego around. And egos have a tendency to jump to conclusions, and suddenly your resistance is about rejection of him, rather than a perhaps less-than-crystal-clear request from you for an alternative approach (showering you with affection with no strings attached for example), a bit more patience (at least enough time to drum up a fantasy or two if need be), or, if necessary, a raincheck.
10 Steps to Sexual Empowerment
2008/12/23
1. Own your orgasm.
A sexually empowered woman knows she is ultimately responsible for her own orgasm. Sure, it’s nice for your guy to help you get there, but if it’s not happening, don’t be afraid to delicately (remember, egos are at stake here) take matters into your own hands, so to speak.
2. Please yourself.
Masturbation puts you in touch with your body (literally and figuratively), eases tension, releases mood-enhancing hormones and is a much more fun way to procrastinate than cleaning your apartment. Whether it's a quickie or an entire afternoon affair, complete with candles, satin sheets and you whispering sweet nothings in your own ear, we can all use more self-love in our lives.
3. Play With Toys
Whether you want to bust the bank and shell out $325 for a 24-karat gold water-resistant vibrator designed by Herman Miller or a $20 vibrating silver egg (a good starter toy to find out if you even like the sensation of a vibrator), there’s a toy for every budget and sexual preference. And these days, most major cities have well-lit women-friendly sex shops (some even serve tea!) with informed, open-minded staff members who make it easy to ask even the most delicate questions.
4. Learn to Receive
Women spend so much energy pleasing others, they overlook their own needs, especially in the bedroom. It’s as if we get uncomfortable with all that attention, so we switch the focus from us to him. Kick back and really enjoy the ride, guilt free. Your guy will love seeing his work appreciated.
5. Speak Up
No need to bark orders. A simple, “I loved that thing you were doing earlier, can I have more of that, with a little twist of this, please.” Flattery and words of encouragement are good. Just make sure you're honest. You don't want to encourage his gentle approach when it bores you to tears. You'll be stuck with it.
6. Take Initiative
Most guys love a woman with sexual confidence that takes charge once in a while. And it’s hardly fair of us to sit around complaining that we’re not getting the kind of sex we want, when we’re not willing to initiate. Show him who’s boss once in a while. Dress the part if you need some help getting into character.
7. Feed Your Fantasies
Fantasies are a healthy way to explore the mysteries of our sexuality and desires, feed our sexual souls and inspire our sexual imagination. Some fantasies can make us uncomfortable because they aren’t politically correct or go against our nature. But the best thing about fantasy is that you’re the one in control and you write the script.
8. Get Body Confident
A less-than-perfect body carried with self-confidence is hotter than a flawless body carried self-consciously. Next time you’re home alone, strut around telling yourself how hot you are. Buy some sexy lingerie that flatters your body. Ditch the overhead lighting and invest in a boatload of candles and/or body-flattering red light bulbs.
9. Have Sex “Like a Man”
In a society that still gives women tons of permission to be sexy but much less to be sexual, we’re more comfortable with the profile of the sexually inhibited, we-really-only-enjoy-sex-in-the-context-of-love woman. Unleash your inner sexual animal and enjoy sex for the pure physical pleasure of it.
10. Take Care of Your Sexual Health
Maintaining your sexual health is a lot easier than sweating it out on the Stair Master. Get HIV and STI tested. Get a pap smear. Nothing says you care about yourself and your partner like a clean bill of sexual health. A healthy diet and regular exercise (yes, sex counts!) contribute to a healthy vitality, a positive body image and a strong sex drive.
G, That Feels Good
2008/11/30
You’d think G stood for Gold for all the fuss surrounding The G Spot.
In fact, female ejaculation has been around as long as women have. Aristotle wrote about it. It was once believed necessary along with male ejaculation in order for conception to occur. Ancient Tantric sex practitioners used to make female ejaculation a sacred ritual. It wasn’t until Dr. Grafenburg wrote about it in the ’50s that we gave it a name.
As for how to “discover” it yourself, I wish I could tell you there’s a huge button inside your vagina with a big ole “G” on it, but there isn’t, so here’s the deal. Basically, there is an area on the inside upper wall that houses your urethral sponge. If you curve your finger and insert it palm up, the tip of your finger will slide along the area. When you become aroused, this fills up with liquid and with the right amount of stimulation and aligning of the planets, a girl can, well uh, squirt just like a boy.
And just to set the record straight, people, it is not pee. Chemically, female ejaculate is more like male ejaculate than urine. Yet plenty of sexologists and physicians still insist female ejaculate is pee, or even “leftover bath water,” as famed sex researchers Masters and Johnson speculated. Some doctors have even suggested surgery to “cure” the woman’s incontinence problem. Seriously.
Sadly, many people believe that since G-Spot orgasms come from inside the vagina they are somehow superior to a good old-fashioned clitoral orgasm--as if the latter aren’t “real” orgasms. The two are simply different.
So if you can’t get there, don’t get too bent out of shape. G spot orgasms don’t happen every time or for every woman and, while it can be fun when it happens, it’s not the be all and end all. Remember, there are lots of other letters in the alphabet.
Girls Talk: Nice Scuttlebutt!
2008/11/11
Most men I've gone out with learn to live with the fact that my girlfriends get all the dirt about our relationship. It doesn't mean they like it. In fact, some guys have even tried to stop it, “forbidding” me to talk about our sex life to my friends. As if. Most guys have learned better. They know they have to live with it, but it still makes them squirm not knowing just how much my girlfriends know.
Though I do agree that there is such a thing as too much information. I don't really need to picture my girlfriend's boyfriend handcuffed, tied from the ceiling. It might make me a little uncomfy next time we all go out to the movies together. You have to know where to draw the line.
Still, whether it's for advice, tips or just for the sheer pleasure of living vicariously through a friend's particularly raucous sexual experience, talking to your girlfriends about your sex life can be tremendously useful. It's a chance to gush, especially early on when you're not ready to let him know the extent of your feelings.
Spilling your guts to a girlfriend can help channel some of your excitement so you don't spill it onto the relationship before he can handle it. A girlfriend can also put things into perspective and remind you of your short-term memory: “You said the exact same thing about Peter,” when you proclaim, “I reeeally feel like this one is different.”
Later on in the relationship, talking to a girlfriend about your sex life is good for test-driving a discussion topic before you bring it up with him. By bouncing your thoughts off a friend, you sort out your feelings, figure out if there are solutions you could exercise on your own, and come up with the best way to raise the issue with him. If there are sexual problems, your girlfriend may have had a similar experience and can share how she dealt with it. Knowing she's been through the same thing can also help to normalize a situation so you don't get too freaked out by it. Very reassuring.
Sometimes, we don't even have to go into graphic detail. Experiences are common enough that much of the discussion can be handled in code. “Oh, another number five -- don't worry honey, me and Johnny just went through a number five…”
Of course, we probably spill more early on when things are less intimate and we're less concerned about the guy's feelings. As you and your guy get closer, you develop a little more respect for his privacy and tend to share a little less with the girlfriends. (They usually have most of the vital information by then anyway.) And after you're with someone for a while, your sex life takes on its own unique complexity and loses some of the universality that makes it so much fun to share with girlfriends.
Still, no matter how long I'm with someone, there's no way I could ever keep my girlfriends entirely in the dark. Though I do have to admit I don't think I'd be too comfortable knowing that all his friends know what it takes to get me off, or what my favourite position is.
That's not to say, however, I wouldn't mind if guys compared notes now and then.
Being O-zone Friendly
2008/10/17
One could be forgiven for thinking God is a man. I mean we’re working with some serious design flaws. After all, as a sex columnist, I have yet to receive a letter from a man complaining that his girlfriend orgasms too quickly.
Check out any supermarket magazine rack if you need further proof: “Easy Orgasms: How To Make Them Mind-Blowing and a Lot Less Work;” “His & Hers Orgasms: How To Slow Him Down and Speed You Up.”
Yes, one of the most common complaints I receive from women when it comes to sex is that they just can’t reach the Big O. And I’m not talking Oprah.
Of course, once you become self-conscious about whether or not you’re going to get there, you can’t relax, which just makes things worse. Next thing you know, you’re lying there, gritting your teeth, trying desperately to make it happen. Which hardly enhances the mood.
So, first step? Stop trying so hard.
Next. Be a little selfish. In our never-ending efforts to please everyone else, plenty of women find it hard to please themselves. Imagine a man saying, “Oh it’s okay, I don’t really need to have an orgasm.” I know, I know -- sometimes you really don’t need to. But let’s face it, given the choice... Ditch the guilt.
Slow him down. Like a flag, the male erection is a physical signifier that he’s aroused. Even if he’s not necessarily, I’m convinced this makes it easier for men to make the physical/mental leap. Women take longer to get warmed up. A lot of guys forget this. As a result they go for the candy before they’ve even got the wrapper off.
Stop making orgasm the goal. Agree beforehand that he won’t even try to make you climax, not even when he thinks you’re excited enough for him to go for it. Guaranteed -- as soon as you get a hint he’s got a goal in mind, you’ll freeze.
If you feel yourself getting distracted (or you feel like there’s a construction crew down there settling into work), gently get him to stop what he’s doing and ask him to rub your back or make you dinner, tell you jokes -- anything to relax you and take the pressure off.
Get a head start. If you know you’re going to see your guy later, cop a feel here and there throughout the day (be subtle: people may wonder if you’re on the bus with your hand down your pants). Stimulate your mind. Imagine things you’d like him to do to you.
When women tell me they can’t orgasm, the first thing I ask them is whether they can orgasm on their own. Because it’s tough to tell someone what works when you haven’t test-driven yourself. Now get yourself in the driver’s seat.
I Bio II Archives: I 2010 I 2009 I 2008 I
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