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Hot Stuff by Josey Vogels
Testy Time Holiday Quiz
2009/12/19
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I've had at least three relationships break up right before Christmas.
In retrospect, it was much better to have ended things before the festivities. None of these pairings would have made it through. And better to go Christmas alone than find yourself trying to explain to your folks why you’re a-little-bit-too-jolly date is coming on to your little sister. So those of you who feel sorry for yourself because you have no one to do the mistletoe Mambo with or get inappropriate gifts from, take heart.
Those of you heading into the holidays à deux, take this quiz to see if your relationship will survive.
1. Your baby's idea of a great Christmas gift is:
a) His and Hers matching doorstoppers.
b) A romantic weekend away and a nude self-portrait.
c) Waiting until after Christmas "when everything's on sale" to get your gift.
2. You spent way more than your honey did on a present:
a) Tell them you understand he must not have realized you were giving each other all your presents now and that he no doubt has your other presents at home.
b) Feel confident that next year it'll be better and besides, it's the thought that counts.
c) He resells your gift on Ebay at a profit.
3. You catch your date smooching someone under the mistletoe at the office party:
a) Conveniently "run" into the smoochee in the bathroom and start complaining about how much of a drag your holiday is going to be because your sweetie -- "yeah, that's right the one you were kissing" -- has mono.
b) Ask if you can be next.
c) You dropkick both of them and when they fall to the floor, they start dry humping.
4. Christmas with your date's family is:
a) An organizational nightmare that ends up being an exercise in seeing who you can piss off the most as you try to fit in visits to all four sets of parents because both your parents are divorced.
b) Better than Christmas with your own family.
c) Like having a Christmas tree, ornaments and all, shoved up your butt.
5. You're both totally stressed out about the holidays, how do you deal with it?
a) He asks you if you have PMS? You ask him if he'd like to go for a walk -- by himself.
b) You let each other vent, then run a nice hot bath, crack open a bottle of wine and open the box of chocolates meant for someone else and feed them to each other with your toes.
c) Cyanide.
6. Holiday cheer means what to your date?
a) Going out for drinks with his friends, while you finish up the Christmas shopping.
b) Sharing a special bottle of wine you've been saving all year for the holiday.
c) A six pack, a bottle of J.D. and several lines of coke.
7. Decorating the tree together gives you the opportunity to:
a) Eventually get the job done, but not without arguing over differing tinsel-hanging techniques, and having one of you say, "Fine, do it yourself then!" and plunking down on the couch to drink wine while continuing to criticize the other's tree-trimming.
b) Bond over your similar taste in decorating while you string popcorn and share warm, fuzzy memories of tree decorating as a child.
c) Find out how neat glass Christmas ornaments sound when they pop when hitting the wall because you missed your honey's head when his constant whining about what a waste of time this all is finally makes you snap.
8. What best describes the relationship you have with your date's family?
a) They welcome you but constantly make references to your date's last love and how much they miss him or her and wish they were still together.
b) They treat you like a member of the family and often give you better presents than they give your date.
c) They ask you to wait in the car while they give their son or daughter their gifts.
9. Your mom buys your date a really ugly sweater for Christmas. You:
a) Force your honey to wear it and then giggle maniacally every time he does.
b) You wear it to bed for him that night with nothing underneath.
c) You come across it later in a bucket full of rags your date uses to clean the floor.
If you answered mostly a's - er, passive aggressive much? Hide any sharp objects and you two might just make it through.
If you answered mostly b's, dust off your copy of It's a Wonderful Life and warm up some rum and cider. You guys will make everyone sick with your holiday bliss.
If you answered mostly c's, get out now and use the money you were gonna spend on your date on some really good personal therapy.
Happy Holidays and Good Luck!
Verbal Skills
2009/11/30
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If women fake orgasms, men fake verbal intimacy. In other words, he’ll say anything just to get you off his back, or to make up for the feeling of inadequacy because when you’re badgering him to tell you what he’s feeling, he really doesn’t know what he is feeling but since everyone is constantly telling him that he should be feeling something, he’ll make something up.
Of course, if men are guilty of faking verbal intimacy, women have developed our own verbal skills. Interrupting, talking too fast, talking about too many topics in one conversation, overreacting to what partners have to say, dwelling exclusively on relationship problems, putting words into our partners’ mouths, being insensitive to our partners’ need for peace and quiet...
You know how it goes girls? He finally says something, you get defensive and tell him what’s wrong with what he thinks, then he clams up and you get angry because he won’t talk about what’s wrong. Not exactly the most inviting environment for him to be disclosing his innermost thoughts. Maybe, just maybe, while most men could probably stand to be more expressive, some of us could probably stand to zip it once in awhile.
Or you could try a little method called “mirroring.” It’s a bit like that telephone game you played at birthday parties as a kid. One partner says something to the other, the other repeats it and asks if they got it right. The first person clarifies it if they didn’t, until exactly what was said is understood by the other person.
So, instead of pushing each other’s buttons, you’re listening and feeling heard -- in other words, communicating.
Passionately Speaking
2009/10/30
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Even if you’re having sex an average of 2.6 times a week (no, I don’t know what the “real” average is, so stop comparing!), you both initiate sex, and you have perfectly matched sex drives, having sex with the same person year after year gets, well, how can I put this delicately, dull. Sure, the sex is deeper and more meaningful (blah, blah, blah), but admit it, sometimes you yearn to recreate those lust-filled early days of throwing each other against walls and furniture because you just couldn’t get enough. But when I get letters from people who are worried because they’ve been married for years and their sex life has lost its lustre, I think: Jeez, what’s the big surprise there? I’d be more surprised if they were having sex with the same person for years on end and not getting bored once in awhile.
In some respects, the intimacy that exists between two people in long-term relationships should make it easier to communicate sexual frustrations. However, the closer you are, the more you have at stake, which makes talking about sex scary. And while “You bore me, honey” may be honest, it’s not the most polite or efficient way to turn up the heat in a long-term relationship. Instead, try these suggestions:
• Create time. After juggling work, kids, family, friends and the occasional load of laundry, a night in front of the TV or in bed sleeping is often more appealing than sex. At least once a week, put a lock on the door, tell the kids this is mommy and daddy’s playtime and then, well, play.
• Break the routine. I know you’ve been doing this since high school -- kissing: three minutes; manipulation of breasts: three minutes; and so on -- but have you ever really explored the backs of his knees?
• Speak up early in the game. If the way he tweaks your nipples kind of annoyed you when you were first going out, it’s going to make you want to “purple nurple” him until he screams for mercy by about year five. If you put more effort into getting to know each other sexually from day one, you stand a better chance of solving sexual problems later.
According to Dr. David Schnarch, author of Passionate Marriage, only about 15% to 30% of couples open their eyes at all during sex, with roughly half of those folks closing them again during orgasm. As a result, argues Schnarch, the sex a lot of people experience within long-term relationships is more like mutual masturbation than making love (not that that there’s anything wrong with mutual masturbation). I know staring is considered rude, but Schnarch suggests one simple way to increase passion and feel more connected to your partner: try opening your eyes and looking at your partner during orgasm.
Fun Facts about Semen
2009/09/30
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Most guys ejaculate between 2.3 ml and 4.99 ml or about a teaspoon at about 35 calories a pop. And while no official studies have been done on whether diet affects flavour (imagine signing up for that research: Okay, here are two glasses of semen. Have a sip of each and let us know if you can distinguish the one that belonged to the vegetarian). Anecdotal evidence (read: stuff off the internet) suggests that vegetarians do in fact taste milder than meat eaters and some claim that foods like parsley, spearmint, celery or fruit -- especially pineapple, grapes and apples -- make it sweeter while coffee, alcohol, cigarettes, and marijuana make it taste bitter. Feel free to hold your own taste test and let me know the results.
While official taste testes are hard to conduct, other studies have come up with some fun discoveries about sperm and semen. Like smart guys have higher sperm counts. In this particular study, the researchers found that men who scored higher on intelligence test not only had more sperm per milliliter, but their sperm were also better swimmers.
Because, when it comes to sperm getting the job done (that is making it to the egg), perhaps even more important than quantity is quality. Some are sluggish, confused, or merely well intended. Some have swollen heads or other physical handicaps that slow them down. Tobacco (wacky or not), alcohol, and stressful urban living can all affect sperm health and motility. Another study showed long-term prisoners to be regular sperm factories, thanks to their highly regulated and relatively stress-free environment.
But before your less-than-genius partner gets down on his little swimmers, take heart in the fact that his semen may have some other neat tricks up its sleeve besides delivering super sperm. For example, there is evidence that semen can make a gal happy, and not in ways you might think.
Researchers have found that women who regularly had unprotected sex with their partner were less depressed than women who regularly used a condom. Having ruled out other explanations, they think this is because mood-altering hormones in semen are absorbed through the vagina.
Of course, before you go having unprotected sex as a mood enhancer, it goes without saying that an unwanted pregnancy or an STD would no doubt put a damper on your natural high.
And while the health and vitality of a man’s sperm may be a going concern (especially if he’s trying to have kids), seminal fluid is much more than a spermatozoa carrier. In fact, sperm makes up only about one per cent of its contents. The rest is a complex mix of over 300 components, among them proteins, enzymes, zinc, and fructose and changes in colour, smell, taste or texture may be indicators of health problems, such as prostate infection or other plumbing problems.
So, even if his little tadpoles aren’t the best swimmers, it’s still important to monitor the quality of the pool water.Sperm can live in woman’s body up to 72 hours, or about three days. Outside of that lovely, warm cozy nest, sperm stands less of a fighting chance, and lives only a few hours.
Too bad, isn’t it? Wouldn’t it be fun if they were like sea monkeys? You could set up a little sperm aquarium for them and watch them swim and play.
Contraception: How to Choose
2009/08/31
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This past June marked 40 years since the Canadian government legalized contraception in 1969.
Prior to this, use of contraception for birth control was illegal and could only be prescribed by physicians to women who needed help regulating their menstrual cycle.
Legalization paved the way for important contraceptive innovations, giving today’s women even more choice and empowerment. But with all these options, and new ones entering the market all the time, choosing a birth control method that’s right for you and your partner can feel overwhelming.
Not every method suits everyone. Things like your age, your relationship status, your risk comfort level and your lifestyle are all going to be consideration factors when deciding what form of birth control is best for you. Other factors, such as your physician’s input and obviously, if you’re in a relationship, your partner’s opinion will also influence your choice.
The Pill is still the most popular and arguably the most effective but many women who started out on the Pill back in high school -- back in its industrial-strength early days – are still wary. As one female friend told me, “I swear I’m still suffering mood swings from my years on the pill.”
And even though newer versions of the Pill are less fuel-injected, many women still have a love/hate relationship with the things. Women still don’t totally trust what this daily dose of synthetic hormones is ultimately doing to their body (They increase chances of breast cancer! Oh, wait, no they reduce the risk. But they increase the chance of heart disease! Every week, it feels like a different story. A gal can barely keep up). Other women resent the guilt associated with simply remembering to take the damn thing every day that leaves them feeling, as another friend elegantly put it, “like a fuck-up while I wait anxiously for my period every month.” New gizmos, like the Patch or the Ring, that don’t require a daily commitment, may be a good option if this is an issue.
Drug-free alternatives like the diaphragm are good for peace of mind but some women get tired rooting around for the thing every time it pops out of her hand trying to insert it. One friend was considering getting a cervical cap, until she spent an entire evening on the floor trying to help her roommate pry her own cervical cap off. IUDs? Despite claims that IUDs available now won’t make your uterus fall out (okay, they never did that but they weren’t good), it’s hard to feel good about an option that some women were so messed up by they sued.
While you are ultimately the one who gets to choose what Birth Control method is best for you, here are some considerations that might help with your decision:
• If you are over 35 and smoke, the regular birth control pill is not a great option as it can increase risks of other diseases. Progestin-only pills might be an alternative for you. Quitting smoking would probably even be better (but we’re not here to judge).
• If you’re taking estrogen for any other medical conditions, you cannot use the Patch or the Pill. Also, women who have had a blood clot, heart attack, stroke, breast cancer, or active liver disease should not use hormone-methods of birth control.
• Your screaming hormones and your screaming newborn might have you considering a chastity belt as a viable birth control but new moms actually might be better off with a progestin-only contraceptive or a non-hormone based form of contraception like condoms as the hormones in regular birth control pills may interfere with your breast milk.
• If you were using a diaphragm or cervical cap in the past, given that you’ve just passed a melon through your cervix and vagina, you best check with your doctor. You’ll probably need to be refitted.
• If you’re older and approaching menopause, certain low-dose oral contraceptives may actually help with menopausal symptoms like hot flashes and vaginal dryness.
• If you’re a natural kind of gal who doesn’t like the idea of putting anything in your body or on your partner’s body (as in a condom), and you have lots of patience and discipline, fertility awareness can be a wonderful way to put you in tune with your body and avoid pregnancy if you have the patience and discipline.
• Just remember that whatever option you choose, the only form of contraception that also provides some protection against STIs is the condom. If STIs are a risk, you must combine any method you choose with a condom.
Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby
2009/07/29
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Often, when a sexual issue arises, we are so anxious to get it out in the open and “fix” it that we don’t really think it through first. It’s a good idea to sit with an issue and wrestle with it on your own for a while before dragging your partner into to. You may find that it turns out to be something you can work through on your own. You may find that it’s actually really about another issue entirely. You may find that you just had too much coffee and not enough sleep that day and the problem seemed worse than it is.
Before discussing a difficult sexual problem with your partner write it down so you can clarify it in your mind before talking to them about it. Or talk to a friend about it. Hearing yourself talk about it out loud and hearing their feedback will also help to clarify what’s going on.
Determine if the problem is really about sex. Look at your relationship outside sex. Sex is a reflection and extension of the relationship. Therefore, the frustrations you’re having when it comes to sex are probably mirrored in some way in the relationship. You can’t fix the sex without looking at how your relationship functions. Are you getting what you want and need in every department?
Keep your heart open. This is tricky stuff and egos and hearts are delicate. Tread lightly. Always remember, it takes two to tango. Share the responsibility for your problems. Be kind to one another. Badgering someone to open up and talk is going to achieve the opposite and more likely shut him down. As with discussing any problems in all areas of the relationship – money, kids, whose turn it is to clean out the lint trap – don’t point fingers or start any sentences with “You always…”
And don’t expect things to change immediately just because you’ve said something. Your partner might need time to process things. You may have to talk about it again and again…and again. Just as with other ongoing issues in your relationship and your life, resolving sexual problems is an ongoing process.
Also remember that actions can speak volumes and there are ways to communicate that aren’t always about sitting down for the big talk. During really busy stressful times, when making time for your partner can start to feel like another item on the to-do list -- do laundry, pick up dry cleaning, have talk about sex with that guy who’s always leaving his socks around my house -- make a point of communicating and connecting in tiny ways every day, compliment each other at least once, stop and look at each other in the eye and smile at each other, run her a bath, little things that remind each other that you actually like each other.
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Aesthetically Speaking
2009/06/24
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Get out your rulers, girls. Seems more and more women are obsessing about size. Labia reduction has become all the rage in plastic-surgery circles and I fear vaginal esteem is on the downswing. Unfortunately, thanks to the rising popularity of mainstream porn featuring women with trimmed, prim and airbrushed hoohahs, average women are starting to feel insecure about their genitals. The fact is, just as with men’s penises, women’s vulvas are like snowflakes. No two are alike. Some have larger outer labia, some have larger inner labia. Some are pink, some are darker and some are multi shaded, like a fine charcoal drawing.
Still, according to a Globe and Mail article, women from the US and more than 30 other countries are flocking to the Vaginal Rejuvenation Clinic in L.A to pay thousands of dollars for everything from labia reductions to $1,800 G-shots, a collagen-based injection in a woman’s G-Spot that supposedly intensifies your orgasm. The clinic’s plastic surgeon has been referred to as the “Picasso of Vaginas.” Have you looked at a Picasso painting lately? These women are lucky they don’t end up with their clitoris on their bum.
There are some conditions that can cause the labia and clitoris to be larger than average. One condition that results in an extra-large clitoris is called congenital adrenal hyperplasia. This usually appears at birth in intersexed babies whose genitals are ambiguous that is, not clearly male or female, though the condition can also occur later in life.
Polycystic ovarian syndrome is another condition that can lead to growth and enlargement of the clitoris, along with excess hair growth. This condition begins after puberty when a young woman fails to ovulate due to abnormal levels of androgens (male hormones). Hormone treatment or birth control pills are often prescribed to treat this condition.
Obviously, it’s a little tough to get a ruler in there to measure your clitoris, so if you’re concerned about its size, I suggest you have your gynecologist check things out. If you are unusually well endowed, you can either consider yourself lucky or talk to your doctor about treatment.
As for your labia, unless they’re dragging on the ground, there is no medical reason to spend thousands of dollars to have them trimmed. It’s bad enough that, thanks to the popularity of facial cosmetic procedures like botox and collagen injections, every woman over 40 is starting to looking the same, now we’re going to end up with cookie-cutter genitals. Besides, do you really want your vulva to look surprised all the time?
There’s a wonderful book called Femalia that is full of close up photos of real women’s natural vulvas. Find yourself a copy and relish in the uniqueness of nature’s original artwork.
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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that North American interest in Tantric sex has increased as peoples’ lives have become more and more hectic and disconnected from each other. And, as sex becomes more and more commodified, some of us are seeking a more spiritual sexual connection. Plus all those rumours about Sting and his seven-hour orgasms just never seem to go away.
If you’re serious about exploring Tantric sex, I encourage you to take courses, do research and, well practice…a lot. (Pala Copeland and Al Link have been practicing Tantra since 1987 and offer Tantra and relationship retreats for couples from all over the world in their home near Ottawa, Ontario. Go to tantra-sex.com for more info).
But there are elements of Tantra Sex that you can experiment with without having to hole yourself up in a yogic retreat or sit in lotus position meditating for six months.
The biggest obstacle when it comes to Tantric sex is getting over the self-consciousness. As comfortable as you may be with your partner, sitting face to face, breathing and looking into each other’s eyes is intense and might make you both very uncomfortable. Or send you into a fit of giggles. That’s okay. As with anything, when it comes to sex, it’s less about getting it “right” than it is about being in the moment and enjoying yourselves.
The point of Tantric sex is not intercourse or even orgasm. In fact, there are no “bases” in Tantric sex, no beginning, middle or end. Most of the exercises related to Tantric sex involve slowing things down, trying not to focus on the physicality of your body, or orgasm, or anything outside your experience of the moment. It is about increasing your awareness of the flow of sexual energy through your body allowing couples to communicate on deep physical and emotional levels.
The simplest way to do this is to start with breathing.
Doggy Style is not a good starting position for Tantric sex. You want to be face-to-face – either in something called the Lotus Position, him sitting cross legged and her sitting in his lap facing him with her legs wrapped around his butt or lying on your sides, facing each other.
Become aware of each other’s breathing and try breathing in harmony. Start with soft, deep breaths look into each other eyes. This is where the giggling might start but try stay with it.
Start breathing at the same pace, slowly in through your nose and out your mouth. Maintain eye contact. Keep practicing until you can maintain harmonized breathing for about 10 minutes. It may feel like 10 hours at first but again, try and stay with it.
Experiment with erotic touch. Guide your partner as you take turns stimulating each other. Describe exactly how you would like to be touched.
Keep things slllllllooooooowwwwwww. As with yoga, you must always bring your attention back to your breath. As you get more excited, your breath will shorten, increasing your arousal and pushing your toward orgasm. You can prolong this by slowing and deepening your breathing and trying to match it to your partner. This moves your sexual energy from staying nestled in your crotch and moves it throughout your body and its “chakras” (seven major energy points on your body) and back and forth through each other.
Again, the whole point of Tantric sex is not to be goal-oriented so it would be counter productive to focus too much on achieving multiple, non ejaculatory orgasms or learning how to have sex while in Downward Dog position while staring into each other’s Third Eye. Instead focus on trying something new and opening yourselves up to each other as a way to increase intimacy and reconnect.
Namaste.
Mature Sexual Tastes
2009/04/30
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“We still have this stereotype of elderly people with their bath chairs and canes, staggering around, who couldn’t possibly be having sex.” -- Dr Petra Boynton, British sexologist
I suspect this is about to change.
Adults in their 40s, 50s and 60s -- the baby boom generation -- will soon become the largest generation of elders in history. By 2020, approximately 20% of Canadians will be over 65.
And given that this is the generation that grew up with the sexual revolution, free love, the birth of the Pill, women’s lib, the introduction of The Pill and gay and liberation movement, I suspect they will be one of the horniest bunch of old people we’ve ever seen.
They’re already making aging sexier by insisting on doing it more gracefully, boisterously and juicily than previous generations. They’re bound to give attitudes about aging and sex a much-needed social facelift too. It’s about time we lose this idea that as soon as you get wrinkles, you sex life shrivels up as well.
As Dr. Stacy Tesser Lindau, the leader of one of America’s most comprehensive recent surveys on aging and sexuality, puts it, “From a societal perspective, I would say that older people are simply young people later in life.”
In fact, according to the study, which surveyed the sexual behaviors and problems of U.S. adults age 57 and, the frequency of sexual activity dropped only slightly between the late 50s up to the early 70s.
Most of us simply assume that your interest in sex will decline as we age. And even if the mind is willing, the body won’t be able to keep up. But while there are certainly physical changes that happen as you age that can affect your sexuality, these are often overstated, in part, because we are so freaked out by the idea of old people getting it on.
Unfortunately, older people internalize these messages too and tend to limit their sexual expression and their sexual experiences as a result. The truth is, men and women can enjoy sex and sexual satisfaction at any age. And a decline in sexual function is not automatically the norm.
Women do experience some physiological and hormonal changes during and after menopause that may affect their sexual adjustment. At the same time, many women feel more at ease in their bodies, pregnancy is no longer an issue and they are able to relax and enjoy some of the best sex of their lives.
Men may also experience some age-related sexual challenges.
And while certain medical conditions that commonly affect aging adults -- heart disease, hypertension, stroke, diabetes and cancer – may affect the sex life of older adults. Often, medical treatment or even simple lifestyle adjustments can counter these effects.
And the fact is, sex is good for your health at any age. Studies have shown it to boost your immune system and benefit the heart. It’s also a great mood enhancer. The importance of being touched – both emotionally and physically -- is important at every age, but often even more so as we age when we begin to lose close friends and feel more alone.
Plus, it just seems like a shame to spend your whole life developing your sexuality only to kick it to the curb at a time in you life when you’ve got the time on your hands to enjoy it (and if the hands aren’t working as well, there are always sex toys)!
Ouch, that hurts!
2009/04/03
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Sex can be a real pain sometimes. In fact, in one couple’s case, sex was such a pain that it finally caused the break-up of their 10-year relationship.
Some studies say up to 50 per cent of women experience painful intercourse – the medical term is dyspareunia -- at some point in their lives. But for 10 to 15 per cent of women, this pain is chronic. It hurts every time.
And, once you make the intercourse = pain connection, it’s usually not long before your whole interest in sex takes a nosedive. Even as a kid you only had to get burned once to learn not to touch the hot stove.
In the case of one type of dyspareunia called vulvar vestibulitis syndrome (VVS), the vaginal opening (the pearly gates, if you will) gets super sensitive, and penetration of any type (even tampon insertion) can cause extreme pain. Understandably, sex stops being a very desirable activity. In some cases, the anticipation or fear of pain can cause a woman’s vagina to tense or clam up entirely -- a condition known as vaginismus. Naturally, things often get tense in the relationship as well.
Even though VVS (pain deep in the vagina during intercourse is another type of dyspareunia) was first documented over a century ago, doctors are still pretty clueless about it. A regular gynecological exam won’t necessarily detect it (though if her vaginal opening is really red and she hits the roof when a cotton swab touches it, which might be the first clue). And you know how doctors can be. If they can’t see anything unusual and all tests are negative there’s only one explanation for your seemingly inexplicable complaints about painful intercourse: It’s all in your head. After hearing that a few times, you might even start believing it too. And chances are your partner has already come to this conclusion. It’s easier than thinking the problem might have something to do with him -- like, what if it’s because she’s no longer attracted to him?
The truth is, we don’t really know what causes VVS. About 50 per cent of women suffer from it right from the first time they have intercourse. The rest develop it over the course of their sexual life. Theories involve chronic yeast infections, or perhaps an allergic reaction to the chemical-laden creams that treat them. HPV (human papillomavirus) and urinary-tract infections are suspect as well.
Treatments are varied. Surgical treatment involves shaving a couple millimetres of tissue off your vulva, and replacing it with some of the less-sensitive skin from deeper inside your vagina. Women tend to opt for surgery because they see it as a quick fix. But the problem with surgery is that while it may take away the pain, the women might still be stuck with their desire and arousal problems so that their sex life is not necessarily better.
Less invasive treatments like behavioural and sex therapy, relaxation, and biofeedback, demand more time and personal investment, but the results may be worth it.
Pain management is another treatment option that involves learning a combination of relaxation and pain-management techniques. This is often combined with sex therapy to try and renew desire through things like learning to be more assertive with your partner, increasing a woman’s comfort with her own genitals and her knowledge about sexuality.
That last bit is something most women have to work through. And, in fact, studies have shown that women with VVS don’t necessarily have more psychological problems when it comes to se than women who don’t experience pain. But toss the pain factor into the regular mix, and before you know it a simple caress from your partner can make you freak out.
For more information about dyspareunia, visit: vaginismus.com.
Maintaining a Healthy Vaginal Balance
2009/03/16
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It’s not exactly dinner party conversation material but vaginal discharge deserves to be discussed. A lot of women think their discharge is “gross,” when almost all the discharge they experience is normal, healthy and necessary.
Cervical mucus, for example, helps sperm survive, possibly up to five days, and travel up the uterus to the tube to fertilize the egg. And you can learn a lot about a gal from her discharge. It tells us when we are fertile, if we have an infection or when there may be a health problem. If there is no cervical mucus it may be a sign that there is not enough estrogen, which could be related to ovarian function and fertility.
The texture, taste and, yes, the smell of your discharge changes throughout your cycle. In fact, instead of worrying about it next time he’s down there, turn it into taste-test. “No, I’m not ovulating, honey, guess again....”
You’ll start to notice an increase in your cervical mucous right after your period ends (I tell ya, always a party down there). Usually it starts out cloudy in appearance, and if you were to stretch it between two fingers (just say you were) it would likely stretch about a quarter of an inch or less. It gets more fun as the cycle goes on, getting clearer and stretchier every day. When you can stretch it about an inch, it’s safe to say you’re ovulating.
(Warning: Do not try this at home without more info. Natural birth control is more complicated than a simple stretch test. Consult a fertility-awareness educator if you want to explore this option as a method of birth control.)
Cervical mucus doesn’t deserve all the glory. Sexual-arousal fluid (nature’s lube) is certainly worth a mention. This is by far the discharge with the best reputation. The general feeling with this stuff is the more the merrier.
Then there’s female ejaculate. It comes from the urethral sponge or “G spot.” It’s very thin and liquid and can be emitted during a G-spot orgasm. Chemical analysis has shown it to contain similar properties to semen, without the sperm, of course.
Three commonly sexually transmitted infections [STIs] that often cause unusual discharge are chlamydia, gonorrhoea, and trichomonos. Unprotected sex, in case you didn’t know this already, is the best way to get yourself one of these and abnormal discharge that may be puss-like, watery or thick and yellow are your warning signs that you need to get thee to a doctor immediately.
There are also non-sexual purposes for discharge. Your vagina is a self-cleansing, self-protecting organ (kind of like your oven) with a delicate balance of microorganisms, such as yeast and bacteria that work together to protect you from infection. Sometimes this balance gets out of whack (like when you take antibiotics, for example) and you may notice an abnormal discharge that could be yellowish, greenish, frothy, curdish or thick, and a little smellier than usual. Yes, this is the spunk we are less proud of.
But don’t you dare grab any of that crap that plays on women’s insecurity about their female odour, like douches or “Feminine Deodorant Spray” to deal with this. These products often make things worse. Instead, try acidophilus capsules from the health-food store, which are full of friendly bacteria and will help restore your vagina’s healthy pH balance. Your flora and fauna will thank you.
Making It Up
2009/03/04
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In ancient Rome, prostitutes painted their mouths red to indicate that oral sex was on their will-do list. In the 1970s, I brushed my sister’s sky-blue eye shadow across my eyelids under the “evening” setting of a Sunbeam makeup mirror as part of my rites of passage.
As one person put it, “makeup has been around ever since an early ancestor fell out of the trees and decided clay streaks would be ‘in’ that season.” Or as early as 3000 BC, if you’re fussy about dates.
Throughout history, makeup was a signifier of wealth and status. For example, early aristocrats powdered their faces so their paleness would distinguish them from their sun-weathered, field-working subjects. Predictably, once the poor folk got herded from the fields into the factories, suntanning became de rigueur.
Wearing makeup is also sexual.
According to the book The Secrets of Sexual Body Language, “makeup mimics the changes that take place in your body when you become sexually aroused. When you’re excited, your pupils enlarge -- making your eyes look darker and bigger -- your cheeks flush and the lips swell and darken.”
Perfume’s all about sex, too. When we have sex, the body sweats and releases a musky odour. That’s why most perfumes are derived from animal scents. You might say it brings out the beast in us. The women of ancient Egypt and Rome knew this. “Perfume was used in their hair and on their clothing and furnishings, as well as in baths,” the Body Language book tells us. Even as far back as 4000 BC, wealthy women were using perfumed oils to anoint their bodies.
And jewellery? Next time you’re having sex, just watch your partner’s earlobes swell. According to one source, “In some parts of Africa, long earlobes are seen as the ultimate standard of beauty, and a girl’s earlobes are punctured and stretched systematically to increase desirability.”
In some societies, the lack of a neck adornment emphasizes that a girl is a virgin, while in others a special necklace indicates the same thing. Back in mid-17th-century Europe, those funny neck ruffles were worn to emphasize a woman’s neck. Apparently, some were so big she couldn’t eat. I swear, the lengths we’ll go to get laid.
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Attraction: The Sweat Science
2009/02/18
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What attracts any one person to another is probably right up there with the Caramilk secret as one of life’s great mysteries. It’s also the most subjective question in the world. What attracts one person repulses another. It could be their smell, the way they carry themselves, their earlobes. Unlike cats and dogs, we can’t go around sniffing each other’s butts to see if we fancy someone. We’ve developed much more civilized ways of determining our attraction to another person: Mmmm... Nice butt!
While many of the women I asked cited sense of humour in a guy as the one thing that turns their crank, at least one woman said this was a ridiculous response. “What, you see a guy across the street and think, ‘what a funny hat, he must have a sense of humour,’” she laughs. “Women can be just as superficial as men, and looks are equally important to us. We just don’t admit it.”
Still, despite all our standards and model requirements, little can explain that moment when your eyes meet, you share a sly smile, and Bingo! a voice inside you screams: “Get over here and do me, now!” Of course, little escapes science, and the lab coats think they’ve got some answers. When it comes to attraction, it seems we’re not completely unlike our sniffing, four-legged friends. Apparently, something called pheromones in our sweat may have something to do with what makes you suddenly interested in the guy standing next to you at the hot, crowded bar.
Within moments, the theory goes, pheromones trigger I-wanna-do-you hormones that travel at warp speed through your loins and to your head, where they match up with the checklist you have compiled from a lifetime of programming. Information from as far back as your childhood about values, what you want and need, and what you find desirable all come into play.
This “blueprint” also goes towards explaining why the majority of us are attracted to people of similar backgrounds, cultures, and classes. Some researchers have even documented cases where people chose a partner whose name began with the same letter. “Oh, you’re Gerry with a ‘G’? Sorry, not interested.”
Research also reveals that we never end up with our ideal types, which further underlines how unexplainable attraction is. In fact, a crazy thing like attraction seems a rather reckless method to rely on in finding a mate. I’ve put more thought into buying a new coat I fancy than plunging headfirst into a relationship with some guys. I guess the mystery is what makes it so exciting.
Or frustrating. Probably the most common complaint when it comes to attraction is pheromonal imbalance. This is evident when the person you are attracted to is wildly attracted to your pheromone-oozing best friend, sitting right next to you.
Dreading V-Day
2009/02/06
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I've always had mixed feelings about Valentine's Day.
I understand the “Hallmark-holiday” cynicism. The “I'm single and thanks for reminding me how loveless my life is” resentment. The “god please don't let me fail the test of proving I love you because I bought you lousy carnations instead of roses” pressure.
I agree that it's a bit of a goofy, made-up holiday to keep the consumer wheel turning. (I was in the Dollar Store yesterday and the red cinnamon hearts and tacky red lace greeting cards were already being pushed aside to make way for shamrocks and leprechauns!)
But still, I can usually find it in my heart to drum up a little genuine enthusiasm for the day. Like Christmas, I don't let myself get caught up in the commercialism. Christmas, for me, is simply an opportunity to spend time with friends and loved ones -- to eat, drink and be merry.
Similarly, Valentine's Day is an opportunity to step off the merry-go-round, take a good look at my honey, preferably across a candlelit table adorned with some good food and a nice bottle of wine, and say, “Hey, you're really special to me and I'm glad you're in my life.”
Even when I've been single, I've made a point of taking the opportunity to get together with friends, preferably over a candlelit table adorned with some good food and a nice bottle of wine, to tell them, “Hey, you're really special to me and I'm glad you're in my life.”
Unfortunately, what started as -- well, actually there's a lot of dispute over how it started -- but what has long been intended as a celebration of love and romance, has evolved into an annual venting of all that we loathe about love and romance -- a sort of disenchantment clearinghouse.
It's somehow become cool to be cynical about Valentine's Day. There are even books with titles like I Hate Valentine's Day or The Anti-Valentines' Day Guide to cashing in (ironically) on VD cynicism.
I'm the first to admit that, as a society, we generally have messed-up, unrealistic expectations when it comes to love. I get the letters every week and yes, love is definitely blind a lot of the time. We project unrealistic expectations on our partner, fail to see them for who they really are and then become disillusioned and angry when they don't live up to our projections.
But cynicism is a cop out. Especially when it comes to love.
I'm not saying we have to fall for some idealized, unrealistic notion of love that can be neatly expressed once a year with flowers and lingerie. But “gathering a large amount of sympathetic malcontents together and declare February 14 as a Day of Hate,” as one internet campaign called for, while funny, seems a little counterproductive.
So this year, instead of spending your energy resenting the unrealistic romantic ideals shoved down your throats by the greeting card and candy companies, ignore all that and use the day to examine what love really means to you.
Maybe over a nice candlelit dinner.
To Tell or Not To Tell
2009/01/20
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When it comes to infidelity and friends, there is the inevitable question: To tell or not to tell?
While your immediate reaction is to run and spill the beans after learning a friend’s partner is cheating on them, you really need to think about it. After all, both you and your friend have to live with the consequences once the cat’s out of the bag.
That’s why Sarah, a 40-year-old web designer decided not to tell her friend that, one day, while out running, she spied the friend’s boyfriend hanging out with another woman in the park. “I didn’t want to jump to conclusions but this guy doesn’t have female friends and sitting in a park with one was really out of character for him,” says Sarah. “Still, his girlfriend wasn’t a super close friend and I didn’t feel I knew enough about their relationship to make it my business.”
Mary, a 29-year-old Toronto television producer also decided she couldn’t live with the consequences of telling an old girlfriend her husband was cheating on her. “I just felt like our friendship had changed and we weren’t in each other’s lives in the same way,” she says. “I didn’t want to drop a bomb on her relationship but not be there to help her pick up the pieces.”
Still, ask most women if they’d want their friends to tell them if they knew their partner was having an affair and most say they would. It’s the sisterly thing to do. At least in theory. Adrian says that while she wishes her friends had told her that her husband was cheating on her, “the truth is, I knew deep down what he was like, but was in serious denial about it and if a friend would have told me what they thought, I would probably have resented them and pushed them away. I needed to come to the realization alone.”
As proof of her own theory, the 34-year-old teacher later did lose a girlfriend after she told her the guy she was about to marry had been unfaithful. “It taught me that I can’t save every woman from bad men and it is arrogant to think I can,” says Adrian.
Ultimately, the one who really should come clean is the cheating partner. Relationships can, and do, recover from infidelity but it requires open communication and the rebuilding of trust. Chances are, the relationship has a better chance of recovering if the cheating partner confesses his or her own infidelity and offers to go to counseling.
But if he isn’t stepping up to the plate, a gentle nudge from you might be a good alternative to telling your friend. Of course, talking to the offending party is not a guarantee that he will do what you expect him to do, that is, come clean and end the affair.
When Zari found out her girlfriend was cheating on her husband she was torn about telling him because she is friends with both of them equally. “I haven’t said anything to him because it would crush him,” says the stay-at-home mom, “though I am also aware it will be equally awful if he finds out that I’ve known all this time and didn’t say anything.” So instead she has implored her girlfriend to fess up and deal with the situation.
To tell or not to tell? It’s hard to tell. Sometimes it’s for the better, but sometimes, you have to accept that you can’t run your friends’ lives – no matter how hard it is to see their partner running it into the ground.
Hot Mama
2009/01/08
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“A lot of new moms feel like the last thing they need after a day of being mauled by their small children is their partner mauling them for sex,” says Jansen, the owner of the Toronto-based sex shop Good For Her.
That’s why her moms-only sex workshop includes no mauling, but plenty of welcome touching like foot massages and shoulder massages. There’s even a butler to serve them snacks while they learn how to rediscover their libidos and sexually reconnect with their partners.
“For a lot of heterosexual relationships sex means intercourse when really, a woman who’s just given birth might simply be looking for a physical connection,” explains Jansen.
Another issue for many new moms is the love they feel for their baby temporarily eclipses the romantic love they have for their partner. “This can be dangerous,” warns Jansen. “You don’t expect a child to take out the garbage so there’s none of the resentment that can get in the way of the love you feel for your partner. Nurture the love you feel for your partner,” says Jansen. “You don’t need to plan a two-hour erotic extravaganza, but a tender kiss or a soft touch throughout the day says a lot. You have to make the effort.”
Often, sleep can feel more desirable than sex for a lot of new parents. “But good sex will energize you,” says Jansen. “It’s like when you don’t want to go to the gym but you drag yourself there and next thing you know you feel great and that energy continues long after your workout.”
Women have body issues at the best of times, says Jansen, but after childbirth this can be an even bigger issue. “If your tummy sags, or your butt is bigger, shake it around a bit,” advises Jansen. “The more you try to hide your body or feel ashamed about it, the less sexy you’ll feel. Remind yourself that your partner is making love to you, connecting with you, not some ideal you think they’d rather be with.”
Create private time. If you’re in the habit of bringing baby to bed, make sure baby’s secure and go have sex in another room. Get a lock for your door so one ear isn’t always cocked, worried kids might walk in. Hire childcare so you can have childfree time to reconnect. If you can’t afford childcare, swap childcare time with other parents so mom and dad get some alone time (and no using it to clean the house!).
Finally, says Jansen, if you’re still struggling with making sexual connection with your partner a priority, do it for your kids. “When I can’t do it for myself, I do it for them,” she says. “I want to model a connection with my partner that will give my kids a different version of what a relationship is than I grew up with, one that had me avoid sex until my early 20s.”
Jansen can be booked for private workshops. Contact her by email: carlyle@goodforher.com or call Good For Her at 416-588-0900.
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